Man: These are not the best of times,
and nothing comes easy anymore.
In fact, ever since the fall of man,
things have been tough everywhere,
especially in the San Joaquin Valley.
But in 1910,
in the southwest corner of Kern County,
God spoke in a gusher of black gold.
We had a chance for greatness,
and in 1911, we changed our name.
That was also the first year
Taft Midway Union High School played Bakersfield High
in football.
We lost 56 t0 0.
We also lost 25,000 barrels of oil a day
because nobody could figure out how to cap the well.
But we got on the map.
You got to make trade-offs.
For instance, we've got the worst goddamn weather
in the world, but it builds character.
That's a trade-off.
And in 1913, we had a chance to test that character.
Taft's own Kid Lester, the toughest bastard
to ever come out of the oil fields,
got to fight the great Sam Langford,
the number one heavyweight contender in the world.
Rumor had it that Langford was out of shape
and didn't take the fight seriously.
They said he didn't have a right hand anymore.
Kid Lester predicted a knockout in the fifth round,
and, unfortunately, he got it.
The kid slipped quietly out of town,
and was never seen again,
though he vowed he would someday return
to redeem himself.
Bakersfield beat us by four touchdowns that year.
And then, a plague was thrown upon the people of Taft
that even Job didn't have to deal with.
Mice.
100 million mice came up out of a dry lake,
and marched on Taft
Only when thousands of seagulls flew over from Ventura County
were they beaten back.
Well, eaten back, actually.
It rained all the next winter.
Bakersfield 82, Taft 6.
It seems like every year, they beat us 82 to 6,
but in 1972, something happened.
A great athlete rose up out of the Taft desert
to cast a shadow beyond the boundaries of Kern County.
A Greek god, a leader of men,
a quarterback.
A great quarterback.
We had Reno Hightower.
At last, a chance to beat Bakersfield.
November 15, 1972, our moment in history.
Only seconds left in a scoreless game.
Reno goes back to pass; a golden arm.
He lets fly, and as he does,
he's hit by half the Bakersfield team.
His knee is smashed, his career is over.
Ah, but what a pass-- 65 yards in the air, at least.
We still had a chance to beat Bakersfield.
And somebody's open,
some third-string wide receiver.
The ball's laid right in his hands,
but that son of a bitch dropped it!
I was that son of a bitch.
And as you can plainly see,
my mistake was so horrible,
not only has it haunted me ever since,
it has forced the entire town
to slip quietly into oblivion forever.
Sort of like Kid Lester.
I'm sorry, sir, but your wife is here.
Thank you, Marcy. Go file something.
I should've caught the damn thing.
Darling, what can I do for you?
Honey, I'm sorry to disturb you at work.
I know you're a busy man.
Could the bank make a donation of $100
to the Women's Club production of
Fiddler On the Roof at the Petroleum Club?
We're doing a modern version.
"If I were that rich dude." How about $200?
Jack, you're a doll.
Also, Jaki's class is having a party at school.
She was supposed to bring the potato chips. Could you drop some off?
Honey, I am the vice-president of the bank.
I'm a very... Ruffles. That would be nice.
You have it.
Hon? Huh?
Are you happy? I'm happy.
You say "I'm happy" to make me feel happy,
but are you happy? I'm happy!
Me, too.
Bring it in boys. Oh, my God. Daddy's here.
Mayday! Got to look busy.
Does this look busy?
Looks busy to me.
Surprise!
Hello. Bring it in, boys.
Right there on the wall, behind the desk.
Elly: What's that?
Me. I had 10 of 'em painted up,
one for each of my banks.
All in the tradition of Velazquez.
What do you think?
I like Velazquez.
He's damn good for a Mexican, huh?
What are you doing, trying to look busy?
I look busy, sir, I am busy.
Don't get hurt.
Thank you very much for calling.
So, Jack... what do you think?
Think it's a bit too much?
Tell me the truth.
Well, it's slightly ostentatious.
Damn right!
Grand statement on a grand theme!
Can't see no brush strokes either.
Paid extra for that.
Well, now, butterfingers--
Daddy, I'm sorry you can't stay longer.
Sorry I can't stay longer, honey.
Got nine more of these to go. Is that all?
Come on, boys. Nice to see you.
I hope everything's okay in Bakersfield.
Okay? Bakersfield High's got one hell of a team this year!
Should beat Taft 84 t0 0 again! [laughs]
Bye!
"Okay? [mimics laughter]
"Bakersfield High has a great football team this year!
Should beat Taft--" [knocking]
Goddamn it!
Why did Reno Hightower throw that ball to me?
Oh, Jack, you've only seen him once a week
for the last 13 years; you've had 1,000 chances.
Why don't you ask him? What's the problem?
Problem is, El, it's that time of year again.
When the first leaf-- "of autumn falls forlornly
on the barren ground below."
Right. El?
I'm happy, okay?
Okay.
Anyway, thanks for the donation.
Don't forget the chips. Bye-bye.
Aw, Carlos, more sharks.
My client wants lots of sharks.
Lady Di's got to be in deep shit.
It's more emotional.
Lady Di? I thought that was Pia Zadora.
Is this dry yet? Yeah, man. It's ready.
Okay, take it down.
Easy, now. Easy.
Careful.
Huh? What do you think?
It's your best work, Reno. Thanks, man.
A little more shading on top of the bicep.
I wanna give God a little more definition.
Hey, Jack. What's your problem?
It sounds like crap. That's what the problem is.
See, it's clicking.
No, it's pinging.
Pinging. That's a lot of technical talk.
Jack, you need a valve job.
Need more than a valve job. Reno, I gotta talk to you.
Not now, honey. I got a noisy Continental and a wet Lady Di.
You always got a noisy continental and a wet Lady Di.
Hi, Gigi. Hi, Jack.
I want to talk alone. Come on.
Honey, I don't like being embarrassed like that
in front of the guys. Sorry.
It's not good for business, okay?
What do you want, sweetheart? I want a divorce.
Okay, I know your VDub needs a new muffler--
and tire rod bushings and an exhaust manifold.
That's not why I'm here. I've been meaning to get to it,
so I'll get Eddie on it right now, okay? Eddie!
My life's out of tune, not my VDub.
This is sudden. No, it's not.
Reno, let's face it.
Things haven't been the way they were between us.
They haven't been that way for a long, long time.
I made some notes so I wouldn't mess up.
"I've got to get out of Taft."
this is no place for a singer to get launched.
"My mind's made up." It has been for a long time.
I was waiting for the right time, but there is no right time.
"I--" I was crying and the words smudged.
I can't read this. I can read your writing.
"As soon as I get up the courage, I'll talk to Teddy.
I'm sorry, I don't want to be married to you anymore."
Right? Right.
I...I got to go.
Oh, come on, honey.
I'm moving out.
Now, wait a minute, honey.
Bye. Aw, come on, Gigi. Aw, shoot.
Ah, a family spat.
Dinner and a movie, she'll be fine.
Can I offer you some marital advice?
No.
There's only one way a man can come back to his woman
after she's dumped him, and still maintain his pride.
Only one way.
Crawl, with dignity, of course,
and women will forgive anything.
Shut up, Jack. You got it.
Gigi's got as far as county line
before she always comes back.
She can't get L.A. Out of her head.
First time she's ever used the word divorce.
What?
Yeah.
That's a terrible word, Reno. Divorce, terrible.
She's gonna leave me as soon as I fix her car.
Are you gonna fix it? Hell, no! I love her!
I don't know what to say.
Neither do I.
You got a burned out intake valve on number five, Jack.
It will cost you 400 bucks.
Four hundred dollars?
How the hell can I argue with you when your wife just left you?
My great sorrow at your domestic problems
prevents me from calling you a crook.
Get out of here, Jack.
What about my car?
Goddamn it! You got a choice, Jack.
For 400 bucks, I'll fix it right,
or for $1.50, I'll throw a can of STP into the crank case again,
it'll still run shitty, but for a week, it'll sound great.
What do you want? Here's $1.50.
In a week, I might be dead.
Can I have a loaner so I can get back to the bank?
It'll take me 15 minutes, Jack.
I've got a board meeting, Reno.
That's all I got.
Perfect.
Hey, Jack.
Some of us think the reason you take a loaner out every week
is 'cause you're going to the massage parlor at the city limits,
and you need a car you won't be recognized in.
I will not even dignify that with a reply.
I've never paid for it in my life.
AdiÃ³s, muchacho.
Visa or MasterCard?
Visa. Thanks.
Okay, now you can start. Meter's running.
There are times when a man must look deep
into the bowels of his soul,
right into the darkest chambers where demons lurk.
What's wrong, hon? My wife's unhappy.
How do you know? Men know.
Am I a good lover, Darla?
The best. Thank you.
How do you know? We never do it.
Women know. Is that what we're gonna talk about today?
No, no. I'm gonna go dark here today.
Right into the bowels of hell.
Which bowels of hell?
Taft versus Bakersfield, 1972.
Football. That's a bowel of hell, all right.
Goddamn it.
If I'd just caught that ball,
my whole life would be different.
This is Ace Jointers and Extruders.
Number 441-06-9542.
$60.
What the hell are you doing?
It's a new rule. We have to call in anything over 50 bucks.
This is outrageous! I'm emotionally naked here!
Get a Gold Card. I don't have to call those in.
I've applied. Goddamn it, Darla.
I want to talk about my darkest sides!
Soon as I get approval. I hate calling these things in as much as you do.
It hit me right in the hands, Darla! Right in the hands.
Thank you. Sorry, Jack. It's no good.
You're right, it's no good. I can't live like this.
Jack, the card!
What? I'll sue!
Calm down, Jack.
Calm down.
Maybe we can work something out for under $50.
Can I talk about the game for under $50?
Aw, Jack! Please.
I know every county line in the San Joaquin Valley.
I came here a few months back for a little variety.
All I hear about is some tie game
played 13 years ago I can barely remember.
Come on, Darla, you were gridiron princess.
Remember? The homecoming queen?
Come on.
You remember. Reno remembers.
The whole goddamn town remembers.
Okay, I remember! And? And?
And you should have caught the damn ball.
Oh, I knew it! Oh!
Agh!
Grr!
[sobbing]
Can't you make a comeback?
From what?
I'm not a has-been.
I'm a never-was.
I aspire to be a has-been.
Oh, that's it, Jack.
I'm not listening to this crapola,
and it is crapola, every week.
You got unfinished business, finish it.
How? Play the game again.
You can't just play the game again!
You can't play the game again. Why not?
Because you can't rewrite history.
Why not? It's an unnatural act.
Jack, there is no such thing as an unnatural act.
I should know.
Tell me one good reason that you can't play that game again?
Just one. All right, I'll tell you!
You can't because...
because...
One reason, Jack. Just one.
Hey, Teddy.
Hey, Dad.
How was school today?
P.E. was okay, but in shop class,
the teacher started acting weird again.
Today, he told us that Taft, California was the safest place in America
in case of a nuclear war.
He said it's 'cause of the winds.
Sounds weird enough. Teddy, are you out there, honey?
So, I guess Mom told you she's moving.
Yeah, she might've said something.
But it's just to the motel. She'll be back.
Hell, I know. A woman needs breathing room now and then.
Hell, I know.
Teddy, can you give me a hand, honey? Yeah.
Oh, hurry!
Thanks, honey.
Whoa!
I'm so bogged down in Taft.
So's your father, but he doesn't know it.
Your father's lost his drive.
Oh! Careful!
I'm going to give this singing a shot.
I just don't want to settle for second-best.
Second-best? Second-best?
I'll tell you why I don't want to leave Taft.
I'll tell you.
It's a fair question, okay?
I can't believe you. You say why...
why I don't want to leave Taft?
I'm comfortable here.
This place is a hellhole.
Oh, boy, if you knew anything, you'd know Taft has been judged
the safest city in America
in case of an all-out nuclear war.
Yeah, it's because of the winds.
Ha! The winds? That's right.
Oh, man, you're unbelievable!
You think the Russians won't go for the oil fields?
You think they won't wipe out our energy?
Taft will be the first to go.
Oh, wow, so you think they won't hit L.A.?
Of course I think the Russians would hit L.A.,
but at least up until the world ended,
I'd be in the big leagues!
Okay, Gigi, I'll give you another reason I don't wanna leave Taft.
I just happen to have a very successful business here.
You just happen to owe six months' mortgage.
Five months!
Besides, you can't leave me yet. Why not?
Your VDub doesn't work.
I'm taking it to another shop.
Oh, wow.
I have never been unfaithful to you.
Never.
Oh, you know...
I'm just tired of all the junk.
The junk in my life...
the junk in this yard.
Okay, now we're getting somewhere.
Now, you just name one piece of junk in this yard,
and I'll get rid of it, okay? You don't even understand.
No, I do. No, I do. No, you don't.
Just name one piece of junk--
junk-- and it's gone.
What's this?
That's...
a '53 Studebaker brake drum.
It's a classic.
Interchangeable with later model Volvos,
small Chevys, some imported pickups,
'74s to '78s. Some '79s.
Right.
I'll be at the Top Hat Motel.
[honk honk]
Reno, I got to talk to you.
Reno, I have just come up with a big idea.
It's a one-in-a-lifetime monster concept.
It's a killer. You want to hear it?
Can't wait.
We play the game again.
What game?
What do you mean, what game?
The game!
How many were there, for Christ's sakes? The biggie.
Your greatest pass, my greatest drop.
Oh, that game.
You and me are gonna breathe new life
into the bowels of our souls.
We'll charge into the deepest chambers where demons lurk,
kick the shit out of the little bastards,
and change the miserable past in the bargain.
I like the miserable past, Jack.
Okay! All right! All right! All right! Okay!
If not for me or not for you,
why don't we replay the game for the whole town?
We can raise Taft out of lethargy.
Okay, Jack, you listen to me for a change.
You dropped the ball. The whole town didn't.
You want to breathe new life into bowels where chambers lurk,
you do it.
Colonel, sir.
I propose we replay the historic game of 1972.
"Jack, Jack, Jack. Life is short.
I don't have time for this little descent into this..."
personal madness of yours.
In layman's terms, Jack, you make me sick.
May I take that as a yes, colonel? I'm a busy man.
I got the Tiger Booster Club,
I got the sports federation,
I got the Black and Orange Round Table.
As you probably heard, I'm now the chief
executive officer of the new Potato Bowl.
Do you think I'm here on my own, colonel?
Who could you possibly represent?
Taft. The entire goddamn town.
I am throwing down the gauntlet, sir!
Gauntlet, my ass! I don't believe this!
Is that fear I hear in your voice, colonel?
My poor Elly.
Ten years ago, I gave you a job
so she wouldn't be married to a bum.
The day I hear she's thrown you out
is the day you announce your resignation from the bank
and slip quietly out of town forever, sort of like Kid Lester.
Kid Lester got hit by a lucky punch, sir.
No such thing as luck. Maybe.
Victories for the underdog
are an aberration of the order of the universe.
That's why I've had damn few losses in my time.
The biggest one was the day you married my daughter.
She could have had Johnny "O." Look at this. Sir. Sir.
Even a clown like you has to admit she'd have been better off
married to this great halfback.
I'm not willing to go that far, sir.
Look at these pictures.
Bakersfield High School football is my life, my soul.
And your tax write-off.
Tax loopholes are a God-given right!
Probably even constitutional.
These young men are like sons to me.
Look at this. Great men, great poses.
Sir, there's more to life than this.
Oh, Jack, you can't even pose.
In your entire life,
you've done one significantly correct thing.
What was that, sir?
You dropped the ball.
You verified the order of things.
We accept the challenge.
Well, thank you, sir.
With all due respect, we're gonna kick your ass.
You're gonna replay what game?
I'm sick of games, Jack.
I'm sick of hearing about some ball you dropped.
I'm sick of anything with a ball in it.
Let me rephrase somewhat my intentions.
What I propose to do, stated rather simply,
is to remake history.
Pass the lima beans, please, Dad.
We are gonna blitz like Dick Butkus
into the backfield of the future
and throw a vicious forearm shiver
on the demon ball carriers of the past.
I don't want to talk about Dick Butkus at the dinner table, Jack.
I've told you that. Mm-hmm.
Who's Dick Butkus?
All-American linebacker for the University of Illinois.
Eleven years all-pro with the Chicago Bears.
Now he's doing light beer commercials.
I still don't want to talk about him at the dinner table.
That's fine, Elly.
But this town is still headed
right into the bowels of hell.
And only a great victory can act as an enema for its soul.
Ew, that is gross, Dad.
Sorry. Can I be excused?
Can't we stay at the table and talk like other families?
[doorbell playing music] Entre.
Another thing, Jack, I'm sick of having a doorbell that plays
the Taft Midway Union High School alma mater.
It is a great tune, El! Can I be excused?
I don't like to listen when you fight.
It's not a fight, honey. It's a disagreement. It's a disagreement.
I forgot.
Did you finish your thank-you notes?
Oui. Okay.
You guys be-- [crash]
Jaki, you don't need those sunglasses inside.
She thinks I am a fool.
No, she doesn't. I do.
I've lived with that goddamn dropped ball for 13 years!
I knew you weren't happy.
I'm only unhappy when you talk about happiness, Jack.
The rest of the time, I never think about it.
That's why we're gonna kill Bakersfield, Elly.
Jack, if you play that game again,
you will humiliate me, you will humiliate the town,
and you will humiliate yourself worse than you can ever imagine.
So, you don't think I can catch the damn ball, do you?
I don't care if you catch it or drop it or sit on the damn thing.
How can I live with someone who doesn't care? Jack, you're torturing me!
Elly! I come up with the meaning of life, and you call it torture?
I hate it when we shout.
Me, too.
Jaki's out of the house.
Mr. Weasel's here.
Bon appetit.
Oh, Jack.
Elly, I've got a new move for you.
Show me.
It's part Smokey Robinson,
part Gladys Knight, but it's all me.
Jack. Aquarius.
Gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta satisfy.
Sort of a white Pip.
I love it.
I love that we can have sex after we fight.
We do fight about stupid things.
Stupid?
The game. Give me a kiss, Jack.
Honey, let me clarify something.
Just because we're making up after our fight or disagreement...
Yes. ...doesn't necessarily
mean that the terms of that fight or that disagreement
are necessarily resolved.
Am I right?
Honey, I've always given you
every Monday night of every fall for 13 years
so you could watch football.
I've always given you all post-season games,
and most bowl games,
excluding, of course, the Hula Bowl and Blue-Gray game
which coincide with our annual theater production at the Petroleum Club.
You've been more than fair.
But for the last few years
and the last few months,
your demons have become my demons,
and quite frankly, baby...
I can't take it anymore.
Oh. Who can?
Not to mention, if you play that game again,
I'll have to put up with a whole new fresh batch of crap
from my father.
Oh. I am playing that game again, El.
Jack, if you play that game again,
you're not sleeping in this bed.
Honey, now who's torturing who?
You mean it's a tough choice?
Of course it is. I love you, but--
Take your pick, Jack.
Mmm.
Me...
or the game. Baby.
Huh? Baby.
Yeah? Which is it?
[woman moaning]
Jesus!
Get out of here or I'll kick your ass.
[hisses]
That was a cat.
You've got an hour to clear out.
Don't be here when I get back.
Right.
Oh, that's a nice sky.
Looks like Taft.
This time I think she's gonna leave me even if I don't fix her car.
Well, I know how you can get her back.
No, you don't, Jack. Oh, yes, I do, Reno.
I really do. Come on.
I want to show you something.
Pose for me.
What?
Nobody could pose for football pictures like you.
Oh, my God.
Just give me that one where you're stiff-armin' the tackler,
and your right arm is cocked for the quick release. Jack.
Jack, you can't play that game again!
You know what Schutte'd say to that.
"The words of Lucifer.
"Are you horny to win, now, come on, you commie pissant?
Let's play some football!" Remember?
You were wearing those home whites.
Gigi loved you in the home whites.
And you had on those goddamn white shoes.
You were the only quarterback in the history of Kern County
to have white shoes! True.
And we'd run down that long tunnel,
and all of the sudden, the photographers...
"Mr. Hightower." Boom! Boom! Boom!
And the crowd going, "Reno! Reno! Reno!"
They're calling your number now.
"Number 12, Reno Hightower!"
Give me the pose... yes!
Don't forget the teeth! The teeth, yes!
Oh, this means you'll play!
We'd get killed, Jack.
You can't remake history without an offensive line.
We'll get an offensive line.
I don't want to throw the football anymore.
I can't believe that, Reno.
I don't wanna throw a beer can into a trash bin anymore.
'Cause if I miss, some jerk's gonna say,
"Hey, Ren, what's the matter? Losing the old touch, huh?"
Oh, Jack, I'm not a quarterback anymore.
I'm a van specialist. And I like it, I'm good at it.
I don't want to play.
Get off your knees, Jack. Come on, I'll buy you a beer.
Reno.
I'm afraid you've put me in a very difficult position,
but you do owe me something.
Oh, come on, Jack, you're not going to pull that on me? I mean, that's--
Reno, you're behind on your mortgage payments.
Come on, Jack--
And I was thinking if you were our quarterback,
we might be able to arrange a little financing for your shop.
Jack, you got no shame at all.
I'm gonna go see the Caribou tomorrow.
And I'd like to be able to tell them
I have the greatest quarterback
in the history of south Kern County.
Now, do I hear the variable mortgage interest rates coming down?
17%.
16%.
Oh. Coming back up again.
Okay, Jack, you tell the Caribou whatever you want.
But I'm gonna tell you something.
You're a lowlife, blackmailing, chickenshit squid.
"lowlife, blackmailing, chickenshit squid."
Welcome aboard, Reno!
Hey, Reno!
Are you still the Caribou president?
[yells]
That answer your question for you?
Leaves no doubt. Give me a beer.
Charlie, I got to ask you a question.
Do you think Taft's lethargic?
You're damn right it is. And proud of it.
You don't think we oughta rise up out of lethargy
and breathe new life into the bowels of our soul?
Hell no. We got it made. No one bothers us.
You know, 500,000 people move into L.A. every year,
and make it crowded and miserable.
You know how many people moved into Taft last year?
Just Arthur and Earl.
That's right. Just Arthur and Earl.
If you ask me, Arthur's not gonna last much longer.
Come here, Charlie.
Jack Dundee will be coming in here.
He's got a crazy idea he needs the men of Taft.
Now, he's gonna tell you that I'm a part of it, but I'm not.
Whatever he asks,
you just tell him no.
Anything for a brother Caribou.
In short, gentlemen,
we really need the men of Taft
to forge from the foundry of history
a new past, and by extension, a new future
with, hopefully, a new present
caught in the middle.
In closing, I just have to say,
Bakersfield must be destroyed!
Motion's on the floor.
Any motion on court will try to need the second. That second?
Second. Furthermore, any motion from an outside party
not on the agenda is defined by the bylaws requires a second second
before discussion if we want discussion.
Second second? Second second.
Discussion? Discussion.
Second. Chair wishes to thank Mac Lynch
our sergeant at arms emeritus for his help in seconding these motions,
and opens the floor to discussing the motion
that Taft challenge Bakersfield
to settle for once and for all
the question of who-- or is it whom?
Who. Second.
Who was the best--
Bestest. Best. Bestest.
Best. Better.
Second.
Better team in 1972.
Discussion.
I'd like to go on record as saying I despise Bakersfield
as much as any man in this room. Second!
However, the last thing we need is to get our butts whipped again
by some giant metropolitan city
that has an unfair advantage anyway.
Exactly. Sounds to me like you're scared.
Yeah, that you'll drop the damn ball! You fat--
Order, order, order! Order unto the caribou!
I'm okay. Brother Caribou.
Brother Caribou, let's not rush to judgment.
Jack may have stumbled across the edge of an idea here.
I say if Jack, who screwed up so badly
on that dark night many years ago,
is willing to replay the game,
then we oughta throw our antlers in the ring, and kick some ass.
Yeah! Kick some ass.
Nobody hates the scum of Bakersfield worse than I do.
But half the old team lives out of town,
the half that don't is in miserable shape.
Felipe Rivero's in Fresno, Luther Jackson lives up in San Jose.
Not to mention our whole offensive line moved away.
Where's Mando and Bam Bam and Dickie LaRue?
We'll get them back, and we will get in shape.
We're not organized. We'll get organized.
It's against the laws of bylaws.
What? Getting in shape?
Shit no. Getting organized.
Have we no dignity or pride?
I object to your insinuations! Charlie, you can't object!
Sit down, Jack!
Order to the Caribou! Order to the Caribou!
Lodge bellow! Lodge bellow!
[yells]
[all yelling]
I say in summation,
that Jack's idea is, no offense, sprinkled with horseshit.
Discussion over!
Now, all those who think Jack's proposition
is sprinkled with horseshit signify by saying aye.
[all] Aye!
Opposed? No!
The ayes are above the nos.
I propose we head for the bar.
Second! Meeting adjourned!
[telephone rings]
Marcy, I told you never disturb me here.
Excuse me for interrupting you in your study, sir,
but the colonel's on the phone. Marcy, I can't talk--
Jack! Hello, Herbert. What's happening?
I got a problem. Nobody here wants to play the game.
You having any luck over there?
There's a lot of excitement right here at the moment, sir.
Oh, well, I got no players, no coaches, nothing.
Oh, my God.
I don't suppose there's any way I can get out of this thing.
You've put me in a difficult position,
because everyone in this town is giddy with expectation.
I suppose I could
find it in my heart to let you off the hook,
but you'll owe me one, of course.
Jack-o, just kidding!
You went for the fake as usual. Pardon me?
Jack, say hello to Tony Tiger!
Grr!
Jack, we're gonna eat you alive.
All right, here are the rules.
Only men from the '72 team can play.
We'll go 15-minute quarters,
NFL style, One-point conversions.
We're pros, huh, right?
One more thing, iron hands.
When you put on your uniform,
the jockstrap goes on the inside.
Buy me a drink?
Whatever she wants, Chico.
Reno, it's me.
Darla.
Darla Robinson!
My God, I can't bel-- I didn't recognize you!
I mean, it's been awhile. What, 12 years?
Thirteen. God.
So, have you seen Jack?
Yeah, he drives back and forth in front of the house every night,
circles the block a couple of times, and heads off to the motel.
Seen Reno? No.
I think he's been sneaking out to Darla's for the last couple of months.
Darla? Please. Yeah.
Do you think Jack ever went out there?
Of course not. I'd know the minute that he did.
God, I remember it like it was yesterday.
I was standing on the 50-yard line at halftime.
I was the goddamn Homecoming Queen,
surrounded by rocket princesses.
And pregnant.
Yeah, well, I think we both screwed up.
Huh? Well, what do they want?
Well, it's simple what men want.
What men want is more eye makeup.
Lots and lots of eye makeup.
Heavy liner on the bottom lid.
Thank you, Linda. Come on, not all men.
Hey, Darla,
I got to ask you something.
How many touchdown passes did I throw
against Porterville High in '72?
Six. You were terrific.
You were a terrific bastard, too.
What? But we were undefeated, so it was okay.
You seem nicer now.
Nicer? Yeah.
Hit it.
I always dreamed the boy I loved
would come along.
* Woo
* Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo *
And he'd be tall and handsome, rich, and strong.
* Woo
Now that boy I love has come to me.
* Woo
But it sure ain't the way I thought it would be.
* Sha-la-la-la
* Hey, hey, hey
* Sha-la-la-la *
* Hey, hey, hey
* Sha-la-la-la
* Hey, hey, hey
* He's sure the boy I love *
* He don't look like a movie star *
* He don't drive a Cadillac car *
* Sure ain't the boy I been dreamin' of *
* But sure the boy I love *
* Let me tell you *
* When he holds me tight
* Everything's right
* Crazy as it seems
* I'm his wherever he is *
* And I forget all of my dreams *
* Everybody knows
* He doesn't hang diamonds 'round my neck *
* And all he's got's an unemployment check *
* He sure ain't the boy I been dreamin' of *
* But he's sure the boy I love *
* I'm his wherever he is *
* But don't forget all of your dreams *
* But I love him so
* He doesn't hang diamonds 'round your neck *
* Oh, no *
* And all he's got's an unemployment check *
* Sure ain't the boy I been dreamin' of *
* But sure the boy I love *
* Whoa-ho-ho
Who was that?
Who the hell did that?
Damn tiger!
I'm going to kick his ass!
I'll kill that bastard.
[all chattering]
Of all the dirty tricks!
There's a lunatic out there.
Lunatic, my ass. It's Bakersfield.
What is going on here?
Chickenshit son of a bitches.
It's terrorism.
Simple goddamn terrorism.
We've been violated.
I don't understand this. That's how they work.
Confuse you, then divide and conquer.
That's how terrorism works, Charlie. Absolutely right.
Damn right. 1971. That wasn't 42 to nothing.
That was 35 to nothing.
This graffiti's all wrong.
Oh, my God!
Charlie.
They broke my gavel.
Attacking symbols of office and authority.
It's nihilism, I tell you.
They defaced our women.
We must redeem our dignity and pride. [chattering]
We're going to redeem your dignity and pride.
My dignity and pride are just fine, thanks.
I know you're upset. No shit.
Kill Bakersfield. We're gonna kill Bakersfield for you, ma'am!
Well, I don't care. Can you understand that?
[mumbles] She cares. She cares deeply.
I propose with authoritarian that Reno Hightower
was the greatest quarterback in the history of America!
Yeah! Right!
You hear that, Reno, you're going to play ball again.
Who said anybody was replaying anything?
Rosie, tell them this is all unnecessary.
Actually, I'd like to have my honor defended.
Yeah! Rosie!
Go, Rosie. Jack, Jack.
Is it too late to get the game on?
Geez, I don't know.
Ask Mr. Hightower.
Goddamn it.
Let's kill Bakersfield!
If I ever find the son of a bitch who did this,
I'll kill him!
* Land of hope and glory
* 'Neath the azure skies
* Where our friendships are welded *
* Ever bonded our ties
Getting in shape isn't enough.
To remake history, we need an edge.
We don't need an edge. We need an offensive line.
We need Felipe and Mando, Bam Bam, Dickie LaRue!
Felipe!
Bam Bam!
Mando.
Bam Bam. Bam Bam!
Dickie LaRue!
Return to the scene of their greatest triumphs.
Ready!
Set! Hut!
Hut! Hut!
Our offensive line sounds like a tuberculosis ward.
We got to get scientific. What do you mean?
Aerobics. What?
One...two...
three...four...
and one...
two...
three...
four...
and one, two, three.
Ow! Don't be afraid to get those legs up there, girls.
Yo!
Ho. Hey. Ho. Jack.
Yes! Now dessert!
One, two.
Well, what do you think?
I think it's pathetic, Jack.
Makes a grown man wanna cry.
We gotta get back to fundamentals. No shit.
And how do we do that?
Hup! [screams]
Men, this is the playbook.
There's more than 200 plays in here.
Learn every damn one of them.
What kind of offense will Taft run?
Offense? Well, they're probably drawing plays in the dirt.
Eddie, this pebble is you.
Chico, you're the bottle cap.
All right, you run a post up here to this piece of glass.
Right. Man, I thought I was the piece of glass.
You're the twig, goddamn it!
Twig.
Just go long.
Okay. On four. Ready? Break!
* Land of hope and glory *
* 'Neath the azure skies *
* Where our friendships are welded *
* Ever bonded our ties
* Where the derricks run skyward *
* And our spirits run free *
* In the valley so fertile *
* Always hail to thee
* Land of our alma mater *
* Always hail to thee
* Land of our alma mater *
* Always hail to thee
Gigi, they've all gone crazy.
Sometimes I think Reno never did know
how to get through to me at all, you know, El?
Gigi, I know you're in there.
I want to talk. Honey?
Okay, honey, just listen to me and...
remember.
God.
* Why do birds
* Suddenly appear...
This is low.
What a cheap shot.
* ...you are near? *
* Just like me
* They like to be...
Gigi, we got to get you out of here.
* Why do stars fall down from the sky *
* Every time
* You walk by? [humming along]
This way. Out the window.
Come on. Shh.
* Close to you *
* On the day that you were born *
* The angels got together *
* And decided to create a dream come true *
Great. Careful.
Let's get out of here. Okay, let's go this way.
* Of gold and starlight in your eyes of blue *
* Tiddle-um, tiddle-um *
Taft! Taft! Taft!
Taft!
Look at all that phony, virile, pseudo-macho posing.
Yeah. They look great.
Yeah.
Maybe we've been too rough on them.
I mean, I know you don't wanna see Reno,
but I'm thinking maybe I could ask Jack to dinner.
I mean, just to talk, of course.
Shit, are you caving in?
No! I hope not.
There'd be very, very strict ground rules.
What kind of ground rules?
Well, we shouldn't have too much trouble with the ground rules.
What ground rules? Oh, didn't I tell you?
There's only two things we can't talk about.
What? Football and sex.
Oh.
Jesus, what do we talk about?
What are we gonna talk about?
We'll just steer clear of anything personal.
Don't make it too hard on them.
Okay. Then what if they pass the Monday night test?
Then we can get personal.
I'm not getting personal.
I don't care how good they look.
How do I look? You look hot.
I look like a dork. You look hot. You look great.
What are we going to talk about?
Go with the flow, Reno
I figure if things go well tonight,
the old magical glow could kick in.
We might even score.
Jack, we got to be careful.
You're right, careful, with just a hint of reckless.
They like that.
Women and the game. We could have it all.
Jack, I want my wife back. Don't screw this up.
Hey, me? I'm in control.
Hey, Dad. Teddy.
Hi, Mr. Dundee. Hi, Blade.
We didn't think you'd show up tonight.
Why not? It's Monday night.
Atlanta-Minnesota.
My God! Monday Night Football.
Jesus. They scheduled it on Monday night on purpose. They're testing us.
Doesn't really matter.
Atlanta and Minnesota have lost
17 straight games between them.
Yeah, even we don't want to watch them. Yeah.
Hi, Dad. Hey, Jaki.
She's glad you came. Tell her I love her.
Hey, Teddy.
*
What are we going to talk about again?
It doesn't matter.
Do not take sides, at all costs. No arguments.
Be bland and be strong.
Bland and strong.
Hello. Hi.
It smells super.
The food.
Better than super.
It's really, really super.
Aw, that's sweet of you.
Yeah. Thanks.
Well, we've got a lot to talk about.
Where do we start?
Well, we thought maybe we could talk about,
for example, the world.
Just for starters.
Yeah. Great.
Reno: Sure. You know, I just can't get a handle
on the Middle East. It's a swamp. A real mess.
Don't you think so, Rene?
Yeah, it's a swamp.
You think, honey?
Th--that it's a swamp? Yeah.
Hey, absolutely.
Yeah, I thought so.
You know, it's probably too complex to talk about over dinner.
Well, hey, you know, there's always the nuclear question.
Since Taft's the safest city in America...
I think that
that whole area is another swamp, too.
But a very complex one,
a swamp with many levels of political overtones and resonances
that can't be fathomed at the present time,
but need the distance of the future to give it a perspective
so you can truly have a point of view
and realize the viscosity of that quagmire.
And the only way to understand this is to realize
that it's incomprehensible.
Yeah, it's kind of like the shop.
We're chopping up a Caprice,
taking the dings out of a Nova.
Whew!
I've had a little too much wine. Excuse me.
Doing good.
Just try and tie it together.
[urinating]
How about acid rain, huh?
So, what have you guys been up to?
Gigi: Oh, gee, it's busy, you know.
Yeah. Oh, busy.
Just really, really busy, I bet.
Uh-huh.
Really. Yeah.
[coughing] No score. What?
My throat's sore. Excuse me.
I think I'm gonna have to use the little boy's room, too.
Acid rain. You got it.
Well, that's a swamp, too.
Because with all that acidity,
you won't find your normal swamp creatures flourishing.
They need salinity to survive.
Now, what is it that's the swamp?
What Jack was talking about.
Yes. [bell rings]
That's dessert.
I'll get it. Let's go together.
Reno hasn't looked this good in years.
Gigi, have I been drinking too much,
or does Jack actually look sexy?
No! They're both hot.
And they're so goddamn well-behaved.
They're afraid to open their mouths.
They don't even know it's Monday night.
See? I told you we can have it all. Okay, great.
The women and the game. Okay, great.
Now, just turn it off.
Fumble! Vikes' ball.
It's Atlanta's ball. Vikes' ball.
Look, it's Atlanta's ball! Atlanta's ball.
Elly: Where are you studs?
Okay, get in the bathroom. I'll cover for you.
Women and the game.
Turn it off, Jack. You got it.
Well, guess who's in the bathroom again?
Again. Is there something wrong with the wine?
No. It's super.
It's-- I don't know, it's running right through me and Jack.
I can tell it's the good stuff, though. Yeah.
Well, hey, how about Beirut, huh?
What do you know about Beirut?
Beirut. "He da best damn baseball player ebber live!"
That's so funny!
Isn't that great?
Oh...let's face it.
We don't have to talk about important issues tonight.
We can talk about life.
Yeah, what the hell.
You look great. So do you.
You know, Jack and I used to refer
to the magical glow of things.
Well, I think it's about time we all tried to get a little of that back.
You know, things are going so well tonight.
I thought maybe we could talk a little bit about marriage.
Where were we?
International trade imbalance,
the Pope?
I'm having a ball.
You know, the thought has occurred to me,
that we could go around this table,
each one of us individually listing our cases,
as it were,
and stating our gripes and grievances about
our marital prob-- [groans]
Honey, what's the matter?
You know, I think there's something wrong with the wine.
No, no, no, it's a...
a muscle cramp.
Well, why don't we come around there and rub your backs?
No! No!
No, we want to sit here and look at you. Right!
And we want to be able to sit here
and look at--
Looking good!
We're just a couple of party cossacks.
Party! Oh!
I do love you, Jack.
Oh, I'm having a wonderful time.
Good hands. What?
Oh, your little cold hands.
Well, they're not that cold.
Easy. Four seconds.
Did you say that we're okay for sex?
It's about time. Baby.
You know, you're looking so good tonight.
I was wondering if you thought maybe if it was--
God, what a catch!
Oh, my God, Jack!
Who put that there? Oh, my God!
Atlanta-Minnesota! Jesus, Jack. It's entrapment!
Entrapment, Jack? They're 0 and 17 between them!
My God! Jack, get out!
Well, Mr. We-Can-Have-It-All, what do we do now?
Ask him to turn the sound up.
There's still the postgame highlights.
You are full of shit, Jack.
In every way that is possible for a person to be full of it, you are!
Even your bullshit is bullshit.
You know, you once said to me you liked the way
I could command respect on a football team without saying much.
Well, I was always amazed at the way
you could make so much noise without doing anything.
There's a style there,
a confidence.
Really, Jack, you're a decent human being basically.
You're just full of shit.
What are you implying, Reno?
That's what I mean! I'm not implying! I'm saying!
You know something, Reno?
In kindergarten, I had it all.
I was the first to memorize
The Itsy-Bitsy Spider.
In 6th grade,
I was voted most likely to succeed.
In 12th grade, I won the Caribou Lodge Purple Mountains' Majesty,
Amber Waves of Grain Youth Essay Contest. Remember?
It was called God, My Friend. My Friend.
Hell of an essay, too. Thanks.
I had a future,
until I went out for football.
Because from 22 minutes past nine o'clock
on the night of November 15, 1972,
until now, I've simply been known
as the man who dropped the ball.
Oh, God. I want Elly back.
Yeah, why can't it be as easy as it is on the football field?
They put their panties on one leg at a time, don't they?
Who knows anymore? They might just hop in both legs at once.
Have you told Elly you think you're a bad lover?
Of course not. She knows.
And if she doesn't, I don't wanna give her any clues.
Jack...
my bazooka's dead.
Don't tell me this.
Oh, man, my arm.
I can't throw the ball well anymore.
You're great. I was never great. I was pretty good.
I was great for around here.
Every year I got better.
People remember me in my prime.
The kids always ask me
about the six touchdown passes
I threw against Porterville.
Hell, I only threw three touchdowns. It was seven.
I'm not gonna argue. I like the idea of seven better.
Couple more years, it'll be up to eight.
I get better with age.
Man, my knees are killing me. I'm slow.
That's why you didn't want to play the game?
No. I just...
I didn't want to destroy
the only thing I got left.
Those stories about how great I was.
You want to know something else?
Bakersfield is loaded.
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight,
nine, 10,
11, 12, 13...
it's the worst goddamn idea I've ever had.
Eighteen, 19, 20.
We're not going to revive the town.
We're going to destroy it.
You think it's too late to call off the game?
Christ, Jack, it's even too late to get out of the dance.
* Don't say nothin' bad about my baby *
* Oh, no
* Don't say nothin' bad about my baby *
* I love him so
* Don't say nothin' bad about my baby *
* He's good
* He's good to me
* Good to me
* And that's all I care about *
Elly's not coming.
Oh, she'll be here, Jack.
She wants to see her old friends, she'll make it.
Better?
That is disgusting.
Mom, what is this game all about?
I really want to understand.
Well, in your life, isn't there something
that you wish you'd done differently?
If you could do it over, you'd change things somehow?
No.
Well, maybe you have to be a grown-up to understand.
T-A-
F-T.
Taft!
That was Gigi and the Blenders!
Let's give a good hand!
Direct your attention to the rocket ship.
Welcome back Luther Jackson,
the greatest running back
in the history of Kern County!
What a pleasure to be back to one's roots!
Mando! How you doing, man?
Lighten up, brother. Lighten up. Lighten up, man.
* Remem-mem
* Remem-mem-member
* Remem-mem *
* Remem-mem-member
* Remem-mem
* Remem-mem-member then, then *
* Remember then
* Oh * Remem
* Remem-mem-member
* Remem-mem
* Remem-mem-member
* Remem-mem
* Remem-mem-member then, then *
* Remember then...
Jack: Reno, look.
What do I do now?
Be cool. Be what?
* That summer night
* Remember then, then, then... *
She's going straight to Gigi...
Yeah, and...
Right to the ladies' room.
* Whoa oh oh
* Remember then...
This whole thing is a joke, Gigi.
He has revived Taft.
Jack's doing everything he said he was going to do.
I know. It's amazing, ain't it?
Yes. Oh, come on.
Dance with the son of a bitch.
Why should I? Because you want to.
That's not a good reason.
Well, then do it because this is his moment in the sun, here tonight.
No, tomorrow is Jack's moment in the sun-- the game.
No, it's not, it's tonight while there's still hope,
because tomorrow Bakersfield's just gonna slaughter us.
They've been in there forever.
What the hell are they talking about?
Hey, Jack-o! Reno!
I can't believe you guys pulled this thing off.
Day after tomorrow, Taft will never forget the name Jack Dundee.
We were just talking about the eight touchdown passes
you threw against Porterville, it was incredible!
Yeah, well, you don't throw eight TD's in a game without great protection.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna need all I can get.
We're a lean, mean fighting machine! Yeah!
* The first time
I'm dancing.
* Ever I saw your face
* I thought the sun
* Rose in your eyes
* And the moon and the stars *
* Were the gifts...
Elly, is that you?
Well, if it isn't,
just disregard everything you're about to hear.
You once told me to choose
between you and the game.
Well...
I got it wrong.
Tomorrow we're gonna get our ass kicked.
I know I have no right to ask you anything
at a time like this.
* Ever I kissed...
It would be very nice...
* Your mouth *
...if you could come out here
and dance with me.
* I felt the earth
Elly?
* Move in my hand
Those are your feet, aren't they?
* Like the trembling heart *
Jack. Aquarius.
* Of a captive bird *
* That was there *
* At my command
* My love
* And the first time
* Ever I lay with you *
* I felt your heart
* So close to mine
* And I knew our joy
El?
What do you want?
I want you...
to kill Bakersfield.
* ...Till the end of time *
Okay.
* My love
* The first time
* Ever I saw...
Do you do that left to right
or right to left?
Both ways. Just in case.
Yeah.
You Catholic?
At the moment.
Excuse me.
Thank you, Jack.
Well, Jack, here we are. Yeah.
You finally got what you wanted.
What wretched luck.
Oh, relax, Jack. You're going to be a hero.
And what if I'm not?
It's just a game.
Mmm!
Oh.
Oh!
Just a game.
Look alive.
Go, Jack!
Kickoff time, sports fans.
As outlined against the blue-grey November sky,
the four horsemen ride again.
In days of yore, they were known
as disease, famine, pestilence, and death.
We're really gonna need some luck tonight. There's no such thing as luck.
[yells]
[screams]
Charlie: A end over end kick,
coming down to number 34.
He's at the five, the 10, the 15.
The quick reverse to Johnny "O"! I can't look.
Touchdown! Johnny "O," Bakersfield.
Had to be Johnny "O."
You lucky son of a bitch!
Swing it, swing it, swing it, yeah!
All right! Yeah!
What did that take? Four seconds?
Come on, nail them!
The kick is good.
Charlie: Bakersfield, seven, Taft, zero.
You a rocket or a pissant? A rocket!
Goddamn it! Come back here!
Let's go!
I don't want to sound biased or anything, Arturo,
but I think we have a real lean, green war machine down there on that field.
Okay, hogs, let's see what kind of shape you're in.
Quick pitch to Luther on one. Ready? Break.
You a rocket or a pissant? I'm a rocket!
Show me! Show me! He's a rocket!
Set! Hut!
Pitch to Luther Jackson.
He's down at the five.
Same play, other side. On one. Ready?
Break!
Set! Hut!
Luther Jackson down at the two.
Oh. It's like playing my sister.
Third and 18, Rockets.
Come on, let's do it. I love this game. Gotta throw the ball.
Luther, split right, run a straight fly. Any safety bound.
Jack, post pattern on four, and be careful.
They got Dr. Death covering you. No sweat.
I thought he was still in jail. No, he's on parole.
Parole? On four. Ready, break.
Yeah, come on over here, mighty man.
I'm going to take the rest of your teeth out.
Yeah! On four, on four.
Open your eyes, punk! Ready?
You heard me. On four.
On four. On four. Set!
On four. [screams] Hut!
Where you running, rabbit? Come on back here.
You gotta wait for the ball.
I'm open, I'm open, I'm open.
Come on!
Charlie: Illegal procedure on number 99,
Jack Dundee.
Great move, Jack. You're wide open.
Go!
Whoa!
Six points.
Yeah!
Off to a great start, huh, Jack?
Charlie: In the first quarter, Taft, nothing, Bakersfield, 13.
Johnny "O."
Key on "O"!
Reverse!
Look at this, guys! Here it is!
Woo!
Yeah!
Charlie: The score is Bakersfield, 20, Taft, nothing.
Go, go!
Kill somebody!
Charlie: Incomplete pass from Hightower.
Get up, Jack!
Reno Hightower thrown for a loss of 12 yards.
Hut!
Hey, man, you play like you got nothing.
Ready!
Set!
[thunder rumbling]
Charlie: A long pass complete to Johnny "O"
at the 30, 25, 20...
it's a touchdown!
Johnny "O" of Bakersfield.
I love it!
Give me a high five!
Ow!
God, Morgan, my knee!
Goddamn it!
Jeez!
Charlie: Is there a doctor in the house?
We're coming.
Oh, shit! Johnny: Call my mom.
Careful. Watch my knee.
Aah!
Charlie: Taft, zero, Bakersfield, 26.
[thunder rumbling]
Something's happening to the blue-grey November sky.
There seems to be a little turbulence to the north.
Twenty seconds left in the first half.
Well, it's halftime now,
and it's starting to get a little bit of a Taft sprinkle here.
Let's get out of here.
Charlie: Halftime statistics, rushing yardage,
Bakersfield, 314 yards, Taft, minus 12.
The weather sucks.
We have a great halftime show for you, folks.
Let's listen to that great mighty Rocket band.
*
Sorry, man. Some great passes.
Should've had them.
Forget it.
Matthew 14, verse 11.
"Ye shall know the truth,
and it shall make you free."
Amen, coach!
On Monday morning, they'll still be them,
and we'll still be us,
but for the next 30 minutes,
we can rule Kern County!
Yeah! Yeah!
Gentlemen, now!
Now! Now!
Now!
Now we play some football!
That ought to keep them going
through the kickoff.
They say a little bit of this stuff warms the body and clouds the mind.
Oh, that stuff runs right through you.
Better go drain the weasel.
Come on, Ren, have a drink.
We're going down on a sinking ship here,
and the only way to do that with dignity is to be drunk.
It's easy for you, isn't it?
What the hell, you stunk 13 years ago,
and you stink tonight, haven't lost a goddamn thing.
No, this frigging nightmare is all mine now.
And it's all my fault. So, have a drink.
It's not your fault, Jack.
Oh, yes, it is.
Just have a goddamn drink and relax!
You.
Oh, my God!
That was you.
I forgot it was in there-- I mean, who put that in there?
You son of a bitch. You don't think I--
I ought to kill you!
Reno, Reno, I was framed. Framed, my ass!
Goddamn it!
You started this rotten disaster,
and you're going to finish it.
You quarterback in the second half,
and they'll kill you.
You know what they're gonna put on your tombstone? Huh?
Jack Dundee, he tried to remake history
and he got beat 100 to absolute nothing!
I don't think they'll score that many points.
They might score 200, but what fool cares?
There you go.
What do you got to say now, Jack-o?
You're right.
You're not a quarterback anymore, Reno.
You're just a van specialist.
And I never should have expected a van specialist
to lift a town out of lethargy.
I was wrong to think that you were still a leader,
because you've lost it, Reno,
not just in football, but in life.
There, I've said it. I'm sorry.
Now I'm ready to die.
Uh, two minutes left to kickoff.
Time for my last smoke.
You lazy jive ass!
You're soft, you're slow,
and your hands are for shit.
Hey, who woke you up?
Get on the field and shut up, Luther.
Reno, you're a prick. And you always were a prick.
Great, great.
Now get your ass on the field.
Now.
When he was a prick,
Reno Hightower was the greatest quarterback
in the history of south Kern County.
One more thing, Jack.
You ain't playing in the second half. You're through.
Damn you.
Reno!
Whoa, Nellie! He's wearing his white shoes.
[gasps]
Oh, my God!
[chanting] Reno!
Unbelievable!
Reno! Reno! Reno!
The crowd's going wild.
[whistle blows]
Let's go! Get them, Reno!
Charlie: I'd like your attention on the sidelines,
the late arrival is Jack Dundee.
Right there. Ready?
Come on, grandma. Hit!
Hut!
Charlie: First down.
Set! Yeah, I'm gonna kick your butt.
Whose butt? Hut!
Charlie: Complete to Luther Jackson at the Bakersfield 34.
What the hell's happening here? First down pass.
Come on, let's get something moving.
They're scared, they're scared. That's a great catch!
Great catch, my ass, that's what you're supposed to do
when the ball hits you in the hands.
And I want some protection from you lazy bastards.
I'm tired of picking myself up from the ground.
Play-action pass to Luther on two. Ready, break.
Ready? You're going to die, boy.
Bring it on, chump! Set!
Now, let's go!
Your mama!
Hut!
Come on, kill him!
Charlie: He's at the 25,
the 20, the 15, the 10, the five. Get that chump, man.
Touchdown!
Taft, seven, Bakersfield, 26.
Get him! Get him!
Stop him!
Charlie: Touchdown!
You wipe that stupid grin off your face.
Yes!
Charlie: Third quarter, Taft, 14, Bakersfield, 26.
Man: I got hot nuts!
You ain't had hot huts in 50 years!
Hut!
Hold them where they are!
Hut!
[screams] What's happening?
Charlie: 7:36 left to play.
Get him!
Charlie: Bakersfield's going to get clobbered.
Taft, 21, Bakersfield, 26.
Hut! Go, Tigers!
Hut!
Come on!
Go!
How much time we got?
Play ball.
I'm going to remember you, too.
Great second half, Ren.
Good thing I'm not in there, huh?
Did you think in my whole life
I'd never find out who trashed Gigi?
Only a fool would bring that tiger's head
in the locker room.
Well, I'm a genius at making a fool out of myself.
Always finding new ways to do it.
Well, I got one more for you, Jack.
We get the ball back, you're in there.
Why me?
Let's go, bummer!
Charlie: First and 10 at the Taft 42.
One minute left in the game. Clock running.
Just hold on to the frigging ball, will you?
Charlie: At the line, the ball comes loose!
It's a fumble!
Who's got the ball?
Come on!
Charlie: The referees are trying to unpile it.
Who's recovered the fumble?
[man yelling] Back off!
It's our ball, it's our ball.
We got the ball!
Get your balls out of my face.
Hey, who has it? Charlie: Taft has the ball!
Taft recovered the ball at their own five-yard line!
What a lucky bastard!
Let's go, Jack.
Where? All right, let's go!
Go get them, baby. You got it. Go get them.
Oh, shit.
Charlie: Number 99, Jack Dundee, is going in for Taft.
[crowd booing]
Post out on two, get out of bounds.
Anybody screws up, I'll kill you.
Relax.
Charlie: Reno up to the line. Eddie, fullback.
Dundee flanked wide to the left.
Hey, Jack, they finally let you back in the game?
They got to be kidding.
Where are your glasses, you Casper the friendly ghost?
You see that? Can you see? [grunts]
Oh, yeah, I can see you, Dr. Death.
You better watch out, Dr. Death.
I'm pretty damn fast for a Caucasian.
Hut!
Take that! Oh, my God!
Charlie: And he's out of bounds at the 30!
Forty-nine seconds left.
Line up, line up!
Ain't you passed, Jack? I thought I broke your back last time.
Want some more medicine, Dr. Death?
Hut!
You ready for that?
Charlie: Pass complete to Powers.
He's out of bounds at the 45.
[crowd chanting] Reno, Reno!
The clock stops. Thirty-seven seconds left.
Go!
Let's go!
Ready?
It's me and you, Jack.
Hut!
Jack in the mud!
Next!
Charlie: Carlos down to the 50. The clock's still running.
Taft has one time-out left.
Hurry up, offense.
Let's go, let's go!
Reno! Reno!
Hut!
Charlie: Reno Hightower sacked for a big loss.
Time-out! Time!
Time, time!
Charlie: Time-out, Taft.
We're secure. Come on, Ren.
We got time for one more.
Ren, I can get open.
Come on. He can't get open.
I can get open.
Come here, Jack.
Half these people came here tonight, Jack, to watch you catch the ball.
The other half came to see you drop it.
I was going to throw it to you,
just to show you up, but I want to win.
I'm calling somebody else's number.
I can get open.
You drop that damn thing again, Jack, your life is over.
Just throw me the goddamn ball, Reno.
Can you get open?
We are Taft!
All right, Olin, this stick is you. Olin: Right.
Eddie, you're the bottle cap.
Take care of that maniac and coming from the right side.
Eddie: Yeah. And Chico?
Chico: Uh-huh? Block and flare.
Carlos, head straight for the water bucket
and cut toward that corner of the gym.
Jack, give them your best move. My best move.
You ready? Ready.
On two. Ready? Break!
We are Taft!
Yay!
Come on, you're not going to give it to Jack, are you?
You think I'm crazy?
Go!
Whoo! Win it, guys!
Charlie: At their own 45. No time-outs left.
Five seconds left on the clock. [growls]
This is it, Jack.
Throw it to Jack!
Charlie: Will be the last play of the game.
Ready!
Death, humiliation, and pain.
You ready for this, Dundee?
Come and get me, sucker.
Set!
[mouthing words]
Touchdown!
How are your legs?
My knees are killing me.
They feel great.
God, I love to watch you play.
I did it.
Nice catch.
I was so lucky.
No.
No, you were due.
Hey, Jack!
I challenge you to a rematch next year on astro turf.
Hey, look out! Watch it!
Damn it.
Let's go home.
How the hell did that clown ever catch the ball?
Clown?
Did you see that great move?
It was my son-in-law.
Hey, 99.
Nice catch.
* He don't look like a movie star *
* He don't drive a Cadillac car *
* Sure ain't the boy I been dreamin' of *
* But he's sure the boy I love *
* Let me tell you now
* He'll never be a big businessman *
* He always buys on the installment plan *
* Sure ain't the boy I been dreamin' of *
* But he's sure the boy I love *
* When he holds me tight *
* Everything's right
* Crazy as it seems
* I'm his wherever he is *
* And I forget all of my dreams *
* Everybody knows
* He doesn't hang diamonds 'round my neck *
* And all he's got's an unemployment check *
* Sure ain't the boy I been dreamin' of *
* But he's sure the boy I love *
* When he holds me tight *
* Everything's right
* Crazy as it seems
* I'm his wherever he is *
* But don't forgot all of your dreams *
* But I love him so
* He doesn't hang diamonds 'round your neck *
* And all he's got's an unemployment check *
* Sure ain't the boy I been dreamin' of *
* But sure the boy I love *
* Whoa-ho-ho
* Sure the boy I love